While I was on the bus today I searched the following phrase on Google:
how can I boost my self-worth
I read an article on it, a very long one, and it seemed vague and general at best. I also get motion sickness if I read in a moving vehicle so I switched off my phone and kept listening to my music. When I got home, I opened up my phone and saw the article again and I started to cry when I thought that this was the kind of information I was seeking out.
Lately, I’ve been having a hard time, and it doesn’t seem to be getting much easier. I’ve got an appointment with my therapist in a week, but until then I’ve got nothing but time to mull over the things that seem to be plaguing me.
For some reason lately, thinking about my dad has been really upsetting to me. Maybe it’s been brought on by all of these okay-dates I’ve been on, and the feelings (or rather lack of) that I mentioned in my last post. My dad and I have tried to have a better relationship as of late, to try to talk more. But the thing is, it wasn’t really having more phone conversations that I wanted when I told him “hey I’d like to have a better relationship.” Our entire relationship has taken place over the phone. I know we can talk on the phone.
I just wanted to go do stuff. I wanted to spend more time together. To get to know each other and maybe enjoy each other’s company. I have said that directly. I’ve suggested outings, that maybe he could come to visit me and we could go hiking, or that we could take a road trip together just the two of us. Each time he never really says no, but never really says yes.
This hurts me more than I really know how to express. It makes me feel so unwanted. My dad can make time for a whole lot of other things that he enjoys; I’m just not one of them.
I think this feeling is starting to encroach on me in a bigger way, and it’s becoming overwhelming.
My most recent ex and I called it quits on pretty amicable terms. He was older than me and thought that he might want kids in the future, and I do not. It’s one of those things that you can’t really negotiate. We decided to stay friends and go our separate ways.
I really want to stay friends, but try as I might, it is too painful for me to even speak to him or see him. I love him so very much still, and even though I want him in my life even as a friend, I just can’t. Every interaction just makes me feel like shit about myself, because I don’t hear the peaceful resolution of ‘we’re just going in different directions’ but the undercurrent of ‘I love you, but I don’t want you.’
I think it’s this undertone that has plagued my self-esteem in all of my past relationships. All of my exes have, sooner or later, taken issue with some of the major tenants of who I am and what I’m about. They tried their hardest to push me towards something that suited them more, “for love” they said, and in the end, I ended things because I wouldn’t bend for anybody. I should feel proud of that right? I should feel strong and like I have a powerful sense of self. But I often harbor feelings of Why won’t anybody love me just as I am? Why am I always this monkey wrench in everybody’s plans? I’m just an inconvenience.
And I walk away feeling two things. One: I’m just arrogant enough and have a baseline sense of confidence that I will feel that I’m just doing me, and if they don’t like it, then that’s not my problem. And two: unwanted, rejected, not worthy, yet again.
I know that I am the kind of woman who, no matter what, will live her life on her own terms. I will always right myself to my internal compass. I think I’ll get to my grave and be happy with the choices that I have made and will make.
But I also would like to feel loved. I wish I could be weak sometimes. I wish I had someone to be weak with. To crumple on when I need support. Chris isn’t here anymore, so as far as men go that I can turn to, there is no one.
And again, I chastise myself for this because I’m like you don’t need a man in your life. You don’t need anybody. There are so many shoulds at play there. That I should love myself enough that it shouldn’t matter if I have someone in my life or not. Again, if you love yourself enough, then you shouldn’t “need” other people’s love.
But I do. I do need people. I want them. It’s just that the people that I want, don’t want me.
I’m having a hard time knowing where the line is between being an independent person with a strong sense of self-worth and self-love and self-esteem vs. being so wrapped up in my own shit that I am unable to make space for other people in my life. The same goes for the line between not being needy and dependent and looking to other people for validation vs being okay with wanting love in your life.
I don’t know. Maybe my therapist will have some good ideas. I hope she does because I’ll tell you I’m getting sick of fucking crying about how bad this feeling makes me feel.
There’s the challenge I am facing. I know I’m great and talented and smart and so many other cool things. I know that I am worthy and important and good and big.
I just don’t feel it. And I need to figure out how.
Will report back soonly on this progress.